Satire: A Modest Proposal

For preventing the illegal people in American from being a burden on the country and for making them beneficial to the public.

The below writing is a modern retelling of Jonathan Swift’s 18th century satire “A Modest Proposal”, that proposes to fix the problems of the wealthy English ruling class in Ireland by feeding them the babies of the Irish poor. I propose to fix the problems of the white man in American with a version of slavery for illegal immigrants.

Read Jonathan Swift’s “A Modest Proposal” here.

It is a complete disgrace to have patriots living in this country forced to see the white male species be passed over every single day in favor of the illegal, during college admissions, entering the workforce, even in government: there the illegal stands, waiting for the next opportunity he can steal from the white man. These white men, instead of being able to work in a field of their choice, are forced to use all their energy hating the illegal, and all of their money funding the illegal; who will inevitably turn to theft because the money is not enough, violence as a result of barbarism or robots to further perpetuate the democratic agenda.

I think it is agreed upon by both parties that the increased number of illegals in the hands, or rather on the backs, of the white male and oftentimes the white female, is indicative of the present deplorable state of the nation and a very large burden. Therefore, whoever could find out a fair, cheap and easy method of making these illegals useful, productive members of the country, would deserve everlasting praise for having saved our nation.

In pondering on this reality and considering various plans of other thinkers, I found a gross miscalculation in their propositions. It is true, some illegals entered the nation with the intention of working to earn their place, motivated by opportunities that exist to primarily serve the white man and so long as they do not overstep they shall remain free. It is once the illegal fails to do so that I propose to assist them, in such a way that instead of being an obstacle for the white man or defaulting to barbarism, they shall instead contribute to the economy and be able to fund the lifestyles of many millions of the white man.

There is an underlying large benefit in my plan, that it will prevent the reproduction of the illegal, and the egregious practice of illegals giving birth to bastard children that hold claim to this great nation. Far too often does a white man get overlooked for a first generation illegal child, one which I doubt has nearly as much potential as the white man and would inevitably end up dead from their own barbarism or worse: raping and murdering your child. A thought that should unnerve even the most calloused of patriots.

The number of souls in this nation is said to be three hundred fifty million and twenty million are illegals. I estimate more because there is no way to document undocumented illegals. I calculate that approximately twenty million households have newly arrived illegals that rely solely on government support. From this number, I subtract two million who manage to, despite tremendous hardships and insufficiencies, sustain themselves only exploiting our most basic of resources: public infrastructure, that which benefits the white man first. Though I consider that an idealistic number considering the horrid state of the economy as a result of the illegal. I digress, there remain eighteen million households relying on the money given by the white man. The question, then, is how these people shall be subsidized, which, as I have already observed, appears utterly unfeasible under present conditions. For we cannot forfeit the future of our nation to the illegal who knows nothing of this great country and taints the very fabric of our culture.

I am assured by our experts that an illegal, criminal or not, serves no benefit to our nation save for the few jobs they excel at: servantry, construction, agriculture, the jobs that the white man sees no future in in our capitalist society. Yet, this benefit is minute due to the small percentage of illegals that choose these fields, the drain is far greater than the benefit.

I have been assured by a very knowledgeable Hispanic, that the illegal, when put to work, is highly efficient and highly productive, whether that is to farm crops or to build skyscrapers — they are capable of the physical feats we would not want the white man taking a risk to endure. I have no doubt that they would positively contribute to our great nation doing solely what they are meant to: labor.

I do therefore humbly offer it to public discourse that of the aforementioned eighteen million households, the top five million in terms of socio-economic status, intellect and culture, be saved and granted the mercy of indentured servitude. These will serve as our waitresses, our janitors, our cleaning ladies and maids. The most respected of the servants. These illegals will be granted permanent residence: they will be forced to pay taxes while having no capability to vote or advocate for themselves. They will be granted the grace of being allowed offspring, born into their future labor to upkeep the workforce.

Of the remaining thirteen million illegals, they shall be distributed across three sectors: agriculture, construction and resource extraction. I have calculated the amount of agricultural workers in the country to be roughly three million, however we need to take into account current labor laws that only allow for a sixty hour work week. If we allow for a proper one hundred twenty six hour work week, we can afford to have two million illegals on a rotation so that they are afforded two three hour naps per day. A very generous deal.

The number of construction workers is calculated to be eight million. However, after amending the forty-hour work week to accommodate for a proper, twelve hour work day, or eighty-four hour work week, we can afford five million illegals to construct our homes, buildings and infrastructure. For resource extraction, the calculated number of workers is two million, which we can afford to increase to our remaining three million immigrants, while simultaneously reforming labor laws to accommodate a one hundred twenty six hour work week. The overproduction of energy will result in a drastic drop in energy prices, therefore making everything drop in cost and deflating the economy from its ballooning state.

All of what I have outlined will result in the greatest energy resurgence in the history of the country, the biggest housing projects to be done in history, along with the constant supply of the freshest, most healthy crops. All of which will allow the white man to achieve his true greatness in the world. The less the white man need worry about his next waterfront property or the room service at the Roosevelt hotel he stays at, the more the white man can prosper and multiply his wealth therefore multiplying the wealth of our nation.

There are some pessimists that worry about the growing class divide in this nation, the growing poverty rate, the amount of people falling ill, and I have been forced to insert my thoughts on how these concerns can best be addressed outside of simply illegals.

I am not in the least bothered by these matters for the weak are victims of themselves. If you are not strong enough to establish yourself in this free and fair nation of equal opportunity then you simply do not deserve access to the opportunity it is a fault of your own. But I digress, I believe the advantages of my proposal are obvious and of the utmost importance.

First, it would greatly eliminate the number of gang members, violent murderers and rapists in our nation, being that these attributes are ingrained in the illegal culture and if we allow them to continue to reproduce these traits will poison our society. Those who will go on eventually to rape and murder your child will instead be picking strawberries for that child to take to school as a snack.

Second, the descendants of illegals will have something to be proud of. Being the child of an illegal who fraudulently scammed their way into the country and is leeching off the resources provided is shameful, but being the child of an illegal who worked tirelessly for three months to build the new apartment complex that you’re living in. That is a source of great pride for the illegal offspring, until they too become a great worker of our nation.

Third, where the illegal households are calculated to take roughly forty billion dollars of tax payer dollars a year, as laborers they would be estimated to contribute over three trillion dollars a year at virtually no cost. We need only worry about food and housing for our laborers which itself can be created by our laborers.

Fourth, the white man will be able to access his true potential as illegals step aside for them.

Fifth, these laborers will ensure the highest quality of labor in their respective sectors and work at the will of the white man carrying out his vision perfectly. This would foster creativity and societal progression from the white man's culture.

Sixth, this would be a great relief to the nuclear family. If the white man need not worry about their children’s success in the future, they are allowed to focus on the family structure entirely and enable the children to rely on them for all stability in life. This would strengthen the paternal connection and reliance on the father, enforcing traditional values and restoring integrity to our culture.

Many other advantages are yet to be discovered, if even just thirty thousand illegals could be made to benefit this nation by becoming great laborers, I suspect we could save billions yearly.